I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
