if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
