I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
