God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
