My friends, they love my intelligence
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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