you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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