A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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