You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
