i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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