Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
