Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
