It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
