Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
