Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
