I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
This is my gift to your gina
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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