also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
