we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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