I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
