im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
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I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
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Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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