Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
