Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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