You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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