im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
