He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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