if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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