Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
please come you make the beer taste better
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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