Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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