if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
