I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
