i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
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After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
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I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize