Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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