You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
