I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
