I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
