Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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