I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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