In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
