Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
