In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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