I'm jealous of your bromance
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
