Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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