smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
