Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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