I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize