If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
