I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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