when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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