his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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