Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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