1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
