I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
