Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
