I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
