I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
