There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
